I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
