i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
