My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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