AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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