i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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