after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize