i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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