Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
