I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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