We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
