At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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