i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
