i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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