I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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