Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
