My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
