I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
