Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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