he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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