I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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