Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize