My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
