Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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