I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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