My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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