So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
