ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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