Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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