The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
