i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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