Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize