Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
