i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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