It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
