I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
