he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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