my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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