I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Duck Duck Cougar?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
