Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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