Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
