Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
