I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
