Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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