If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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