Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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