i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
