I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
