im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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