If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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