if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
