Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize