JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
