WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
