AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My ATM looks so different sober.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
