nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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