Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
