yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
