i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
