I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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